It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
