1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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