Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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