Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
