I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
