I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
