I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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