I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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