I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
