Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
