I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
