Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
