I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
