I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
