he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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