I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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