they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
