I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
