so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
