I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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