I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
