Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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