currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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