Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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