It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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