So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
