it wasn't lemon gatorade
she woke up with a sticky ear
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
