I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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