how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
