apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
