Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
