i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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