I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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