i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
