Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize