I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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