Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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