24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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