can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
