It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My vagina is officially offended.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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