She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
