Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
