I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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