Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
