The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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