I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize