Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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