I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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