It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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