I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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