woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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