I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
