covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
