I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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