I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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