Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
