I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
