hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
