Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
