tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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