remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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