Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I would fuck him just for his dog
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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