So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
