Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
