My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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