Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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