I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She's the barista slut.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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